You’re So Strong… But I’m Tired, So Now I’m Choosing Rest
“You’re so strong.” “I don’t know how you do it.” “You always handle everything so well.” All used to be a compliment but now I hear it and sigh because honestly? I’m tired.
Being the strong one all the time is draining and a lot of the time, it feels like no one sees the full picture. They see the version of me that keeps going, giving, managing, but not the version that’s burnt out, overwhelmed or just mentally checked out.
I’ve realised that “strong” can sometimes be a way for people to excuse themselves from showing up for you. They assume you’ve got it covered or that you’re okay because you always seem okay, so they never ask how you really are and don’t think you need help, so they don’t offer it. But just because I carry it well, does not mean it’s not heavy.
When Praise Becomes Pressure
There’s a type of strength people admire in eldest daughters. She shows up without being asked, fixes problems before they even become a thing, and absorbs pressure like a sponge. People rarely ask how you do it all, they’re just relieved that you do and so they keep piling things on because you are “capable”, always get it done and don’t complain.
That praise eventually blurs into pressure and before you know it, being strong is no longer something you’re proud of. It’s something you’re trapped in.
The pressure of always having it together
As the eldest daughter, especially in an African household, there’s this silent expectation that you’re the one who holds everything together. It’s like you’re the emotional glue of the family, expected to step in, fix things, keep the peace, and somehow chase your own goals while doing it.
And when you try to set boundaries you feel like a let down. People look at you differently and you stop being seen as reliable and start being labelled as difficult, different or distant but the reality is, you’re just tired. Pretending you’re fine when you’re not and always being the go-to person just gets draining.
Some days I feel completely overwhelmed and don’t have it all figured out, but I mastered the art of functioning even when I’m running on empty. I realised how unhealthy this was and chose rest. I too want to feel supported and have space to not always be “on.”
What I’ve learned
I’ve learned that the version of strength I was raised to believe in isn’t all bad but it’s all about balance. You can’t lose yourself in the process of serving everyone around you. Scripture tells us to love our neighbours as we love ourselves so how can you truly love your neighbour if you don’t love yourself enough to set boundaries and care for your mental? You’re essentially pouring from an empty cup.
I’ve also learned that asking for help is a good thing and showing emotions don’t make you weak! Coming to this realisation took years of unlearning and discovering my inner softness. I’m learning to say I’m not okay and rest without guilt. I’m prioritising taking care of myself even if it means someone else has to figure it out without me for once.
If you are reading this and you are always the one everyone leans on, please take time out to just love on you! It’s okay to be tired, you’re allowed to step back and you’re allowed to not be available sometimes. You do not have to perform strength every single day. Sometimes just do you.
