Peace Over People: Ditching My Eldest Daughter Cape

Social media often likes to show perfect families, but lately more people are sharing real experiences of choosing space for their mental health which was refreshing because I realised that I wasn’t the only one quietly stepping back for peace and that it’s okay to put yourself first sometimes.

I come from a close-knit bubbly family. Loud, loving, pure banter and full of energy. We grew up creating some of our most memorable moments together. We were very close and for the most part, I look back on it fondly but in those types of family dynamics, sometimes boundaries get blurred and the behaviours you tolerated as a youth may not sit well with you as an adult.

I love hard and my family’s always referred to me as the responsible one, the helper and problem solver but over time, I started feeling drained. There were big life moments, both joyful and tough seasons where the script flipped and for once, I needed a helper and problem solver. I was expecting them to show up but that didn’t happen. Those missed moments and lack of reciprocity was too great to ignore and the small disappointments added up until I accepted the dynamic wasn’t mutual.

I was emotionally depleted and burnt out from trying to be everyone’s rock whilst managing my own affairs and that was draining me. At the same time I realised my part to play in all this and that I shouldn’t take it as a lack of care. Everyone had their roles and for a long time being the helper / problem solver was mine.

I decided that although I adore my family, I needed peace more than anything which meant having some space. Slowly my shoulders dropped and I was no longer tense all the time. My mind wasn’t constantly in overdrive and for once I felt like I could breath. It’s strange because choosing distance from the people you love feels like mourning but I knew it was an important decision. Love can still exist in silence but I was no longer staying in spaces that sucked me dry.

Setting Boundaries

It still feels surreal when I think about it. I didn’t grow up thinking this would be part of my story because I’ve always been family-oriented and we’re so close. I imagined we’d share milestones and memories with one another and our kids would grow up together but choosing space wasn’t me abandoning them, it’s me refusing to abandon my peace of mind any longer. I was tired of being the one everyone depended on and waiting for people to care in the way I needed them to.

Prayer Helped Me Make Sense of It

Creating distance is never an easy decision. It took months of wrestling with guilt, confusion, and sadness but I asked God for wisdom, peace, and strength to get through the season of separation I was stepping into and felt lighter the more I prayed.

We’re told to love our neighbours as we love ourselves so one day I had to ask myself ‘Debs do you really love yourself’? The answer was no because I would’ve stepped back a long time ago otherwise. At that point I realised it was impossible for me to love others when I didn’t truly love myself. I wasn’t handling myself with care, protecting my peace or guarding my heart. This conviction gave me comfort and clarity in my decision.

This Version of Me

I’ve learned a lot about life during this time. I realised that I’m not obligated to stretch myself and that when people care they don’t just take but they pour back into you too.

This version of me is steadier, relaxed, softer and more aware of what she needs. I no longer feel emotionally drained or pressure to perform strength I don’t have. I’m channeling my time and energy to the things that bring me joy and I owe it all to finally ditching my eldest daughter cape.

Maybe one day conversations will happen and healing can take place but for now, I’m honouring what I need, space, time and peace.